I was standing in line to get a delicious pastry. Okay, just kidding, I was going to get a massive Rice Krispy Treat. Like, the size of my head. Gosh, I love those things. Anyway, I was in line with someone I love dearly on a Sunday morning. I was drooling and trying to decide if I’d add a hot chocolate to my order or not.
“Those shoes are ugly.” It just came out of the mouth. The other person was gesturing toward my shoes. Like, the ones on my own feet.
I mean, I wouldn’t have been wearing them if I hated them. Honestly, I take such good care of my shoes that I almost never throw them away. I just discovered, by the way, that my fuschia Nikes are at least eleven or twelve years old. Anyway, these were not my fuschia shoes.
The rest of the conversation didn’t go well, but this is just one example of a person who claims to be “honest.”
Was the person being honest? Yes.
Was the person being brutal? Absolutely.
So, let’s talk about brutal honesty.
A subset of our culture will tell you that they are just being honest when they say things like my friend did. They’ll say that they’re just honest and that others can’t handle their honesty so that’s not their problem.
I’ve heard it in person. I’ve seen strangers, acquaintances, and people I know and love proclaim this as a positive virtue on social media.
To be clear, honesty is absolutely a positive virtue. I appreciate honesty and abhor being lied to.
But this honesty is not coupled with a spoonful of sugar. This honesty is brutal honesty. Unwelcome honesty. Honesty coupled with cruelty.
Brutal, unwelcome honesty.
Do you love it when people are brutally honest when you didn’t ask for their honesty? I don’t. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. Call me a wimp, but I absolutely do not like brutal honesty.
And the good news is that there’s another way to be honest without being brutal–without being cruel.
The Secret
Here’s the secret: couple your honesty with kindness.
And I truly hate when people give a solution but it’s not practically applied. So, for your convenience, I have a list of rules for taking the brutal out of your honesty. There are plenty more than this, but start here and practice.
Make sure it’s welcome and/or appropriate
If the recipient is a stranger. Just hold that tongue. If the recipient is in a public space–online or in real life–just grip that tongue, literally if necessary. There is literally no reason to dole out the truth to someone who you don’t know or someone who is in a public space so they can be embarrassed. Zero. Just don’t. It’s brutal and unhelpful. If there’s a real relationship, have a sidebar with the person completely out of the public eye and only if the person has invited you into that element of their life.
Use “I” Statements
An I-statement is my most powerful weapon. I-statements have definitely helped my marriage and improved my relationships with students and colleagues. Here’s how they work: They start with the word “I” and avoid using the word “you” if at all possible. It takes practice. Instead of “You are rude,” for instance, a person could say, “I don’t think I can effectively react to what I just heard.” Is it true? Yes. If I want to honor God, I could make a neutral reaction to a rude person. Not only is this humble, it also avoids attacking the other person. It’s magical in that it really diffuses the situation.
Avoid harsh words
Oy, this one is a toughie for some people. Words that are charged can come out without warning. But this comes down to being careful with how we treat others. “You suck at washing dishes” or “You’re not good at washing dishes” will hit differently than “These dishes are still dirty” or “These dishes need another round of washing.” Truth is still shared, but it doesn’t come with harsh wording or attacks. It doesn’t need to be brutal to be true.
Just don’t.
Like, don’t. Just shut the mouth and keep your thoughts to yourself. Not all truth can be shared effectively or carefully or successfully. Sometimes, truth is just observed. So, shut it. Ha!
And, friend, don’t freak out; for some of us, these skills are going to come more naturally. Join me in this activity: Lean into Christ and ask Him if you have been brutally honest toward someone. Genuinely listen and look for His answer. If you learn that you’ve been brutally honest or are in denial about how brutal your honesty is, He will absolutely help you get out of that muck. One hundred percent. Our brutal honesty can be transformed into loving, beautiful, gentle, careful honesty. And the beauty of gentle and loving honesty is that it is received more readily than brutal honesty.
Let’s make honesty’s best friend kindness.