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Culture’s Lies: Brutal Honesty

Culture’s Lies: Brutal Honesty

I was standing in line to get a delicious pastry. Okay, just kidding, I was going to get a massive Rice Krispy Treat. Like, the size of my head. Gosh, I love those things. Anyway, I was in line with someone I love dearly on a Sunday morning. I was drooling and trying to decide if I’d add a hot chocolate to my order or not. 

“Those shoes are ugly.” It just came out of the mouth. The other person was gesturing toward my shoes. Like, the ones on my own feet. 

I mean, I wouldn’t have been wearing them if I hated them. Honestly, I take such good care of my shoes that I almost never throw them away. I just discovered, by the way, that my fuschia Nikes are at least eleven or twelve years old. Anyway, these were not my fuschia shoes. 

The rest of the conversation didn’t go well, but this is just one example of a person who claims to be “honest.” 

Was the person being honest? Yes.

Was the person being brutal? Absolutely.

So, let’s talk about brutal honesty.

A subset of our culture will tell you that they are just being honest when they say things like my friend did. They’ll say that they’re just honest and that others can’t handle their honesty so that’s not their problem.

I’ve heard it in person. I’ve seen strangers, acquaintances, and people I know and love proclaim this as a positive virtue on social media. 

To be clear, honesty is absolutely a positive virtue. I appreciate honesty and abhor being lied to. 

But this honesty is not coupled with a spoonful of sugar. This honesty is brutal honesty. Unwelcome honesty. Honesty coupled with cruelty.

Brutal, unwelcome honesty.

Do you love it when people are brutally honest when you didn’t ask for their honesty? I don’t. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this.  Call me a wimp, but I absolutely do not like brutal honesty. 

And the good news is that there’s another way to be honest without being brutal–without being cruel.  

The Secret

Here’s the secret: couple your honesty with kindness

And I truly hate when people give a solution but it’s not practically applied. So, for your convenience, I have a list of rules for taking the brutal out of your honesty. There are plenty more than this, but start here and practice.

Make sure it’s welcome and/or appropriate

If the recipient is a stranger. Just hold that tongue. If the recipient is in a public space–online or in real life–just grip that tongue, literally if necessary. There is literally no reason to dole out the truth to someone who you don’t know or someone who is in a public space so they can be embarrassed. Zero. Just don’t. It’s brutal and unhelpful. If there’s a real relationship, have a sidebar with the person completely out of the public eye and only if the person has invited you into that element of their life.

Use “I” Statements

An I-statement is my most powerful weapon. I-statements have definitely helped my marriage and improved my relationships with students and colleagues. Here’s how they work: They start with the word “I” and avoid using the word “you” if at all possible. It takes practice. Instead of “You are rude,” for instance, a person could say, “I don’t think I can effectively react to what I just heard.” Is it true? Yes. If I want to honor God, I could make a neutral reaction to a rude person. Not only is this humble, it also avoids attacking the other person. It’s magical in that it really diffuses the situation. 

Avoid harsh words

Oy, this one is a toughie for some people. Words that are charged can come out without warning. But this comes down to being careful with how we treat others. “You suck at washing dishes” or “You’re not good at washing dishes” will hit differently than “These dishes are still dirty” or “These dishes need another round of washing.” Truth is still shared, but it doesn’t come with harsh wording or attacks. It doesn’t need to be brutal to be true. 

Just don’t.

Like, don’t. Just shut the mouth and keep your thoughts to yourself. Not all truth can be shared effectively or carefully or successfully. Sometimes, truth is just observed. So, shut it. Ha!

And, friend, don’t freak out; for some of us, these skills are going to come more naturally. Join me in this activity: Lean into Christ and ask Him if you have been brutally honest toward someone. Genuinely listen and look for His answer. If you learn that you’ve been brutally honest or are in denial about how brutal your honesty is, He will absolutely help you get out of that muck. One hundred percent. Our brutal honesty can be transformed into loving, beautiful, gentle, careful honesty. And the beauty of gentle and loving honesty is that it is received more readily than brutal honesty.

Let’s make honesty’s best friend kindness.

Culture’s Lies: Empowerment

Culture’s Lies: Empowerment

Am I the only one to hear a phrase that’s wildly popular and wonder why, exactly, it doesn’t sit right within me? Like, everyone is saying it–influencers, online influencers, maybe even friends. 

I try to just sit with that feeling and let it stay the way it is for a little while. In my case, that feeling is usually the Spirit’s nudge, saying “Pay attention!” or “Something’s not right.” I sort of kick the tires, peek through the windows, and take a step back to take it all in before I jump into the driver’s seat.

Once I’ve had some time with it, the irritation just sneaks up on me during downtime. It pops up as I’m scrolling through the ‘gram or watching a video and out of nowhere, I have to figure out why it bothers me. 

And this has happened to me again and again. Recently, the “empowerment” phrase has been growing a pearl within me. 

Definition

Here’s how I understand “empowerment” as our culture uses it: One might be empowered by doing something formerly thought to be impossible or difficult. Activities that empower a person range greatly from exercise, starting a business, achieving a financial goal, or having some sort of sex. Nearly anything can be empowering if the person doing the act finds their specific satisfaction in completing the act, it seems. In the end, someone who is empowered has become bigger in their own eyes, more powerful from their own perspective, or more valuable in some way. At least, this is how I’ve understood it since I’ve noticed the word being used.

Empowerment, as our culture uses it, just doesn’t sit right with me. I have so many questions about it. Doesn’t this seem like a works-based pursuit of self-value? And, like, what do I have to do to feel valuable enough? What is the end goal, satisfaction-wise? How long will this empowered feeling last? Where is the freaking finish line of empowerment? 

This idea of empowerment in our culture reminds me of Ecclesiastes. Ya’ know, the book–the whole book. In Ecclesiastes, we learn from someone else’s mistakes. The writer of the book, himself, has learned that pursuing these things is just empty. Some translations call it “vanity.” And vanity is emptiness, pointlessness. 

The enemy is feeding us the lie that we can prove our own value through our actions.

A lie.

As usual, Jesus has made it so much simpler. I’m sorry-not-sorry for being so basic here, but it really is so much simpler than trying to prove our worth. Jesus calls us worthy and so we are worthy. He left heaven, came to earth, lived a sinless life, allowed Himself to be crucified and killed to pay for our worthlessness, and then defeated death by rising again before returning to heaven

It really is that simple. We don’t need to prove we’re valuable. When we simply believe in Jesus, we’re automatically made more valuable than rubies and diamonds and pearls–more valuable than anything we could work for or earn. When we search for our value in our actions, we will always end up unsatisfied and powerless.

How the Enneagram is Helping me Serve Christ

How the Enneagram is Helping me Serve Christ

I’ve been marinating on the enneagram a lot over the last couple of years. I’ve always been completely obsessed with personality tests. It’s literally the reason I read magazines targeted at teen girls when I was young. (Side note: Consequently, I became totally obsessed with reading about kissing, making out, and all the other things in teen girl magazines.) I loved the silly personality tests the most. Like, I’m a summer, apparently. And I’m a grilled cheese sandwich. And what does all that mean? Wow! Fascinating. 

Yes, personality tests have always been my jam.

I’ve taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Test several times. I’m typically an ENFP, but honestly test borderline introvert and have been getting closer to J instead of P lately.

And, of course, when the enneagram came into my life, I jumped right in. I saw friends posting about it on social media and went to Your Enneagram Coach to find out my type. Beth, who runs the page, is great. You’ll find so. much. info. on her Instagram. She puts everything in perspective of how we can grow in Christ as a result of being aware of our strengths and struggles. 

As a side note, some talk with concern about the origins of the enneagram. Some are worried that the origins make it untrustworthy or evil. I have explored this and read about it some and I do believe the benefits, if used in conjunction with trying to grow in Christ, outweigh any concerns. I believe that, if we use it as a tool, we can benefit greatly from the information the enneagram stuff provides us. Everyone has to decide for themselves, though. Your love for the enneagram is not a factor that decides whether or not we can be pals. Promise. Wanna know what helps me decide? Well, you’re on the right post. Ha! 

I’m a six.

I’ve heard that people sometimes mistype based on tests. Some people take multiple tests and read about types multiple times before finally settling on their type. 

Gosh, that was not the case for me. As soon as I began reading about sixes, I resonated with almost the entire description of the enneagram six. Here are three things I’ve learned about myself through the enneagram:

That dang committee

I have an inner committee. No, it’s not a psychological diagnosis. It’s not multiple personalities. (Like, it’s not that serious.) For me, it manifests itself in two big ways.

First, I have a million ideas, courtesy of the plethora of people who make up my inner committee. These ideas range from really fantastic, idealistic, dreamy ideas to hilarious, silly ideas, to even terrible, seeds of ideas. I throw some away, but some stick with me forever. 

This can be a good thing, as I’ve usually handled it, because I can come up with ideas for my classroom to help students succeed or improve my workflow. I can come up with ideas to help my family have a better, more efficient routine or to help my kids learn an expectation, skill, or concept. Ideas are generally not few over here. I have plenty to spare. 

On the flip side, I often struggle to discern between all these good ideas and God’s idea. God’s calling. God’s will. And I’m paralized by that since I can’t pick just one idea or go just one direction. 

Since I’ve learned this about me, I’ve been working on refocusing on Christ and growing in Christ. When I’m super healthy spiritually, God’s voice is the loudest and I quiet the other voices–the other ideas fade into the background. This struggle will probably be a thorn in my side for my entire life. 

All I want is Security. Basically.

My core pursuit is for security. I’m looking to always be safe and secure. 

Sometimes, it’s primarily a physical safety I’m looking for (ya’ know, after a student threatens to bring a “nine” to school and “take care of these teachers” and they just let the kid come back after 10 days out… that shakes my feeling of physical safety). 

But many times, I’m looking for emotional security and safety. I search for this in my marriage, my friendships, and my relationship with Christ. I’m looking for The Hunk to create a safe place for me to share my frustrations, joys, struggles, and successes. I’m looking for friends with whom I can be vulnerable and still feel safe–like, they’ll encourage me, let me be messy, and keep my secrets safe. It is especially important that my friends don’t use my mess against me or hurt me after I’ve been vulnerable with them. 

This primary desire will often keep me from having friendships or relationships with others because I’m not certain I can find any security in them. And when I am spiritually healthy, I remember that my ultimate security is in Christ–that I’m safe in His arms and that, no matter what, my eternal life is with Him. 

As I grow in Christ, I’m trying to serve others by reaching out in friendship to others. I’m trying to discern how to manage my friendships and what boundaries I need to have personally and between me and others. It’s hard, but I’m getting better.

I’m Courageous and Terrified

Since I can see so many possibilities, including the most awful ones, any time I do something with hopes of good outcomes, I’m literally terrified. Ter.Ri.Fied.

I didn’t know that others didn’t feel this way. I thought that was just how people always live. I’m guessing it’s not. 

So, when I reach out to a friend to try to plan something fun or to schedule a Bible-reading time, I have a few possible results in mind. They could maybe be excited about my offer, but they’ll probably reject me violently. I tend to believe they’ll reject me. I have literally been shaking from legs to arms while sitting in my office chair, trying to get the courage up to send an email offering a few friends the opportunity to join a sort of small group. I’m not exaggerating, either. I wanted to vomit. 

Spoiler alert: all three of them accepted my offer and it’s been a sweet experience to meet with them bi-weekly and share and love one another. 

Maybe you’ve heard the old adage that courage isn’t the absence of fear, but it’s actually doing the thing that is scary or potentially painful. As I’ve prayerfully pushed through the prayer, God is showing me His grace and giving me opportunities to serve Him.

The Struggle and the Victory

I, like everyone else, am still on a journey to grow and leverage my self-knowledge to better serve Christ. But this knowledge has helped me take major steps as I’ve hit seasons of life where I’ve let doubt grow, my insecurity has taken steroids, and the world gets louder and louder. I’m not perfected yet and the progress isn’t a straight line, but I’m so thankful I’ve learned about myself so I can use the enneagram tool to grow in Christ. 

Because that’s the end goal: to love and glorify Christ.

Culture’s Lies: Inauthenticity

Culture’s Lies: Inauthenticity

“I always admired you because you were real, not fake like everyone else.” 

Just within the last year or two, BranFlakes (that’s my nickname for my high school BFF) said this to me. Literally, I was sitting in my living room, reading her message, straight up in the middle of my 30s, and I suddenly realized what she was actually saying. I felt pretty stupid. But it’s on-brand for my naivete. 

I mean, I always knew that people wear a facade. People can be fake. But I don’t think I realized the level to which inauthentic people existed. I married a man who is the same person at home as he is everywhere else. My parents were the same at home as everywhere else. I can say with absolute certainty that I did not realize that almost everyone in high school was basically faking it

I want to blame all of this on social media. But, y’all, this was before we even had social media. I literally graduated high school the year before MySpace became a thing. And a few years before Facebook. 

Nothing New

Unfortunately, inauthentic people have pretty much always existed.

Have you heard of Judas? He was literally a disciple whom Jesus called to follow Him. He watched Jesus perform miracles, listened to Jesus’ teachings, and dined with Jesus. He labored with Jesus. It seems like someone who was that invested in Jesus’ life would have been an authentic friend. But, he wasn’t. And Jesus knew it. (Heads up: Jesus knows everything.) In the end, Judas betrayed Jesus for about $200, showing his true colors. 

Judas was the epitome–a prime example–of a fake friend. He wasn’t an authentic follower of Christ. He was faking it all along. 

Am I the only one absolutely revolted by this? 

I doubt it. 

But I know my typical revulsion toward inauthenticity. And so many of us follow the world’s template for inauthenticity; inauthenticity is everywhere. If we scroll through Instagram, we’re bound to see filtered images of other women who’ve literally changed the length of their torsos, the width of their thighs, and the shape of their upper arms. They’ve augmented their eyes with filters and cleared off every last pimple from their faces. It’s almost impossible to feel worthwhile when everything shining through our phones is curated to the world’s standard of perfection. And it’s so easy to download apps to join in on the crowd, to use artificial intelligence to add to or take away from images before we post them to the world. 

What’s worse is that the inauthenticity doesn’t stop there. We bring it into our real-world interactions, go farther than just presenting our best selves, and present a fake self. Maybe we do it because we’re afraid we’ll be rejected. Maybe we do it because we don’t like who we really are. Maybe we are inauthentic because we honestly don’t have a clue who we are. 

The Truth

Ladies, when we’re being inauthentic, we’re sinning against God. 

And how can we bring others to a truly forgiving, loving, just, and authentic God if we aren’t living an authentic life?

Sometimes, I hate the truth. But there it is. (How do I know? He tells us in His word. More than once.)

With all the love in my heart, I challenge you to join me in self-evaluation of our authenticity in these areas:

  1. Money. Are we married women being honest with our husbands about the money we spend? Are we all making sure that we’re honoring our boss by working when we’re on the clock? 
  2. Relationships. Are we bringing our best selves to our close relationships without bringing our false selves? Are we being friends with character, who keep promises, hold trusted secrets, and reciprocate love that’s received? Are we being honest with everyone, from acquaintances to closest friends?
  3. Online. Are we presenting a balanced view of our lives online? Are we being sure to avoid over-filtering our images or lives so as to appear dishonest to our fellow humans? Are we being truthful in all aspects of our communication?
  4. Ourselves. Are we being honest with ourselves about our struggles, successes, weaknesses, and strengths? Are we filling ourselves with Truth so that it will flow out from our mouths to others and through our fingers online?

In these categories, we’re probably not one hundred percent authentic or inauthentic. We’re more likely to find ourselves somewhere on a spectrum–somewhere between the extreme ends. Pray about this and seek Christ as you work through these sneaky-fake ways of living.

Let us press forward and allow God to work on us so that we may be more conformed to His authentic image.